


Less Than Jake English

by UltimateProtagonistNerd



Category: Homestuck, Less Than Jake (band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, High School AU, Humanstuck, Mituna and Latula stars of the first interlude
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-15 11:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1303783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateProtagonistNerd/pseuds/UltimateProtagonistNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four interwoven tales following various trolls, kids, cherubs, and carapacians, except all of them are humans living in Gainesville, Florida (home of the band Less Than Jake). One follows Dirk Strider and pals as they form a band in the main plot. Then Cronus tries to do the romance and fails (or does he?). Then A sinister Corporate owner starts buying up everything, he is known only as "Lord English". And Lastly Slick/Paint is 100% canon and everybody at the school knows it.</p><p>Posted on 4/10 for the fifth anniversary of Homestuck's Beta</p><p>Tags to be updated with relationships and each chapters content. Various hijinx will occur in segments I like to call "Interludes"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge 1: The Idea Strikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prologue for the main storyline, Dirk's POV

**Dirk's POV**

One idyllic day after school, almost exactly like every single other damn school day ever in history. I had slipped away from the commotion going on near the common area of the school. I didn't care to listen to anything other than music from my iPod right now. Just waiting until Lil Bro got out of his class so I can take him back home. He'll probably show up "fashionably late" in an ironic sort of way, we have taught him well.

They say that most world changing ideas come to their thinker in moments such as this, chosen at random by the whimsy of capricious overseers of the universe. And by they I mean those freaky clown dudes that stand around near the art room that drink that soda all day and probably are taking illegal drugs. The principal once in fact said something along the lines of "The legality of those matters need further investigation.", but I'm just going off on a tangent here.

All my idea needed to become real was finding out which of my chums knew how to play music. Of course I get interrupted, this always happens, can't people see I'm trying to think?

"YOu STRIDER, DIRK. YOu PLAY A GAME WITH ME."

"Well damn if it isn't Cal" 

That kid and his strange obsession with games, many of which didn't even qualify as a game. Oh wow well what do you know, he was with his sister as well, those two are never apart and sometimes it freaks me out picturing how they'd sleep.

"it woUld be nice for yoU to play his game."

Oh damn now she's in on it as well, please somebody interrupt this before my imminent ass kicking.

Beep beep, oh that would be pesterchum huh.

"Hold on you guys I've got a message."

"alright strider, answer yoUr chum" she smiled, which is a whole lot less of an awful thing than when her bro does that.

So anyway back to the message I was getting to. The app kept beeping like 'hey somebody is trying to contact you you massive dickberg that sunk Leo Dicaprio's non-existent Oscar titanic.  So of course it had been one Roxy Lalonde.

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering timaeusTestified at 3:15 PM

TG: Heeey Diiiirk

TT: Yes Rox?

TG: don't drop that dirka dirk eeeyyyyy

TT: Yes, while that is entirely amusing Lalonde more pressing matters are up in my brain.

TG: Oooh, an Idea?

TT: Yes, an idea.

TG: said idea shuld involv makin out w my face2 b honest *wonk* ;)

TG: u know

TT: Nah, it's even better than that. We should totally start a band. However I absolutely suck at coming up with a name for it.

TG: u came in the right place

TG: 2*

TG: i meant to the right place

TT: Roxy you did that on purpose.

TG: beeyotch i might've

TG: anyways 4 names i gots meself a listeroonie.

TG: lemme consult it

TT: Kay, you go and consult your list thing, hit me with it.

TG: hmm: distri and the heartbreakers, monoponies, streetlamp doctrine, 3 apartments down, japanese class heroes, less than jake english

TT: First of all let's have something that isn't a ripoff of a current semi-well known group. Why Less Than Jake English though?

Caliborn interrupted with a "PLEASE WILL YOu PAY ATTENTION TO ME?"

I shush him and get back to typing away to Roxy.

TG: well lets start off all us three: u, me, janey. liked ole jakey or did at one piont we did.

TG: point*

TG: anyway so hes like the major hottie importante one.

TT: Thanks Rox, we'll talk later because I'm being pestered by others in the real world.

-timaeusTestified ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic-

I look up to Cal and smirk at him, "That sister gotten to you? You're might polite today"

IGNORE THAT, I WANT A GAME

"Hmm.." I ponder, making sure that he'd get irritated as I play around and make him buy into my ideas. A counter-manipulation of sorts.

"On one condition..."

YES?

"You two join this band I've formed, we need members."

Callie speaks before her brother could even begin to and accepts, and for whatever reason her accepting leads to him tagging along. I would be absolutely shocked if in some freaky alternate universe those two did not share the exact same body. There is no possible way they don't.

The rules of his game of course were wager like and unnecessarily convoluted in every imaginable way any human (or extraterrestrial, as the kid claimed to be on several occasions) could concoct. I was required to draw a picture and if I failed the objective he'd make me his "bro-slave" for an entire day.

In the background that Cronus cry can be heard crying about something (Vweh) he probably was just rejected again.

And so after all of that I ended up just leaving to go pick up Dave, I'm surrounded by weirdoes I swear.

_end of first prologue_


	2. M17UN4 51NG5: An Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mituna Captor finds out what a guitar is and attempts to sing to his girlfriend.
> 
> Warning his thoughts and such are terribly misspelled and have awful grammar, but at least it isn't all caps with almost every letter replaced by a number, because that would really make you people's eyes burn trying to decipher it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen, as always, I do not own any part of the song, as I am not a member of that band. (Or any band for that matter)
> 
> Credit to Tony Hawk Project 8 for putting the song on their soundtrack for me to discover.

_I thried to get guitar to wrok onen day so I cnan sing two Tulip . Yeh tho like I do it, gonna makayt happen! She gunn love this song. But I felel._

_SO i got back up then Ah there thshe is, tlacking woth Meenah i thing. I wondr whaht they talk about curentyl._

It appeared that Latula was telling some sort of story to Meenah but he couldn't catch what it was really about. As he was coming up Meenah pointed at to her that he was coming towards them with a, "hey is that your buoy running up towards us?"

And then he fell down, again.

But not to worry you guys Mituna persevered, he is not completely broken yet. ( _tohg som a me teeth probly r)_

"Hey Tulip! I uh I here I thing song thing "

"Well let's here it babe"

_I clarged mi throat_

I met a girl there  
And she almost knocked me dead  
Punk rock girl please look at me  
Punk rock girl what do you see?  
Let's travel round the world  
Just you and me punk rock girl  
  
I tapped her on the shoulder  
And said do you have a beau?  
She looked at me and smiled  
And said she did not know  
Punk rock girl give me a chance  
Punk rock girl let's go slamdance  
We'll dress like Minnie Pearl  
Just you and me punk rock girl  
  
We went to the Phillie Pizza Company  
And ordered some hot tea  
The waitress said "Well no  
We only have it iced"  
So we jumped up on the table  
And shouted "anarchy"  
And someone played a Beach Boys song  
On the jukebox  
It was "California Dreamin'"  
So we started screamin'  
"On such a winter's day"  
  
She took me to her parents  
For a Sunday meal  
Her father took one look at me  
And he began to squeal  
Punk rock girl it makes no sense  
Punk rock girl your dad is the Vice President  
Rich as the Duke of Earl  
Yeah you're for me punk rock girl  
  
We went to a shopping mall  
And laughed at all the shoppers  
And security guards trailed us  
To a record shop  
We asked for Mojo Nixon  
They said "He don't work here"  
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon  
Then your store could use some fixin'"  
  
We got into a car  
Away we started rollin'  
I said "How much you pay for this?"  
She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"  
Punk rock girl you look so wild  
Punk rock girl let's have a child  
We'll name her Minnie Pearl  
Just you and me  
Eating fudge banana swirl  
Just you and me  
We'll travel round the world  
Just you and me punk rock giiiiirf

It was so beautiful it brought a tear to Latula's eye, and Meenah just slipped away to the side and glubbed off with a "yeah good luck with that you two"

And they rocked out singing that for hours, happily ever after.

\--------------------------------

-Mituna/Latula added to the Ship Record-

**Check Ship Record**

Shippurrs Badge: Official Badge of the shipper, belongs to Meulin and Nepeta Leijon

Mit <3 Lat: A cute ship of skateboarders, consists of Mituna Captor and Latula Pyrope

\-------

/end of interlu-

"Nowv you vwait just right there"

Oh so you don't want it to end?

"not vwithout me bein in the ship record"

Can't you just wait until your chapters start for that Cronus Ampora?

/the end for real this time, see you in Prologue 2

[He'll try to worm his way into a cameo into every chapter I bet]


	3. Cronus Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're name is Cronus Ampora and....

You're name is Cronus Ampora and you are a terrible, lonely, sadsack. And I mean that with all of the offense humanly possible. Being unloved seems to be genetic with you, how that is possible is unknown, your mother packed up and left the family before you even knew she existed. But enough about insinuating you'll be alone forever. You are currently flirting with some girls passing by you in the school's courtyard.

"Hey babe mind if you givwe me your number for a call?"

She giggled and then said "sure, it's 867-5309"

And you go all like "Vwhy thank yo-VWAIT a moment that's from that song!"

She laughs hysterically as she waltzes away from you, leaving a crying heap of a greaser.

But of course to not get depressing you of course have friends. In fact you spot the one in the red sweater right now, one Kankri Vantas, Social Justice Blogging Extraordinaire. One of the many human teenage friends you have that just isn't 1950's enough. In face even though you are certain the year is Twothousand and Fourteen A.D. these people around you seem to act something like it's Nineteen Ninetyfour A.D. when you'd prefer it Nineteen and you know what I'm not going to finish this gag, just go talk to this Kankri kid.

"Vwell hey there chief, vwhat's up?" you go up and ask to him

And he responds with "I am quite glad that you came here and asked me that question on this fine day Cronus, though I was at present currently attending to a rather important matter pertaining to my blog and...."

Here he goes again, one sentence and the motor goes off, it keeps happening. Several in the vicinity have sped up their walking to get away from it before it turns into a speech, that's their loss.

He continues... "Oh yes that reminds you that you could come over to the computer lab if you would like to help me, see if my slides are... substantive enough to go up on the internet?"

As a talking voice watching over you from the sky I would personally advise that you do NOT go to the computer lab and see those slides with him, that'd be liike torture almost.

Oh who am I kidding you'd definately like this, you enjoy listening to this smartass. I bet this counts as a date by your standards. I'm outta here you people don't pay me enough for this.

[We don't pay you at all]

 Oh yeah that's right I don't get paid a single penny for writing this stuff.

"So I'll just pull up this slide and it'll explain certain problems"

[Okay uh... the narrator is gone. Cronus you want to take this over?]

"vwho me? narrate this story?"

[Yeah man, all of them from now on could be 1st person or something, though I will miss the sarcasm and ironic 2nd person jazz]

"vwell i guess i could try"

[That's the spirit, good luck]

You are Cronus Ampora, the most awvesome person in the vwhole entire school. All the ladies (and the gentleman too) vwant a piece of you, like that Jenny girl from earlier vwhen she gavwe you her number. Yeah your are that talented of a musician and one hunk of a greaser.

So anyvways you, meaning me, was sitting there next to Kankri Vwantas and he vwas speaking quite elegantly on the subjects of something-phobia or this-and-that-isms and strung all of them up and stuck it to those people  who instituted all this vwarious garbage or something you think. You may or may not havwe actrually evwen payed attention, your mind vwandering into other subjects as you narrate. Yeah I nodded and said "seems pretty good to me" but not really understanding as I, or ugh you.

Actually I'll just use first person.

I could just feel a song coming on vwhile I stared at his side profile. These lyrics'll fucking just wvrite themselvwes. Awwvv yeah baby.


	4. Interlude: Story of my Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Story of my Life by Social Distortion, as parodied/sung by a special guest, Dad Egbert.

La la la la laaaa

la laaa la la

Story of my liiife

Well High School seemed like such a blur,   
I didn't have much interest in sports or school elections.  
And in class I dreamed all day, 'bout Cirque Du Soleil.

Oh oooh

And the girl in the middle of the big top,   
So close yet so far y'know she never seemed to notice,   
That this silly school-boy crush wasn't just pretend.  
  
Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is funny.  
One "incident" and then you're banned - story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
  
And I went down to the old circus tents,   
The faces were enraged, like no one wants to talk to me  
And they kicked me out insteeead  
   
I went down there  to look for a job,   
I had no training, no experience to speak of.  
They must have seen through my costume so they sent me back  
  
Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is funny.  
One incident and then you're banned - story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
  
Good times come and good times go,   
I only wish the good times would last a little longer.  
I think about the good times we had and why they had to end.  
  
So I sit at the edge of my bed,   
I strum my guitar and I sing harlequin  love songs.  
Thinkin' bout what you're doin' now and when I can come' back.  
  
Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is funny.  
one incident and then you're banned - story of my life.  
  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.  
Story of my life.

/end song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we still don't quite know all the details to why he was banned from Cirque Du Soleil but I'm pretty sure we all get a good idea why it should stay that way.


	5. Prologue 3: "I am a member of the High school Staff"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The section following the Midnight Crew as the teachers of the school.

"Deuce have ya gotten me my damn coffee yet?"

One Mr. Noir was shouting out into the room of his colleague. Who has been gone longer than he should have been with his beverage. Noir demanded that coffee more than twenty minutes ago.

The (much) shorter man was nowhere to be found. Like just totally utterly gone, if he didn't need his coffee so badly Jack would actually be glad, that guy had been more than just a pest and if somebody went and whacked him for those mob connections it really wouldn't be surprising. But damn he needs that coffee so nobody have better come and assassinated his little buddy. Jack gave up eventually and decided to see if the school's cute nurse was in her office. Now what was her name again? Something funny... was it like Faint or something? No definitely not. Was it quaint? Saint?

That would all clear up if he just went and saw her and saw the damn nametag on her desk and...

Goddamn Deuce what are you doing in the middle of the campus hallways just shitting around?

If there weren't things to do and cute nurses to check out then Jack'd take that punk out into a nice dark alley and... wait he has the coffee but he's not paying attention.

Noir threw the nearest rock at his colleague who then turns and... runs in the opposite direction. "That idea was terrible remind me again why I did that" he thinks.

Now that he got rid of the coffeeboy with that ~~great~~ terrible fucking idea. He then proceeded to the nurses office in a nearby portable, but some hairy-puffy child was waiting outside it.

"Hey kid, is the nurse in?"

"MoThErFuCk if I KnOw bRo"

"Gee, thanks, you're a real help kid." and by that he means not.

"tHaNk yOu :o)"

He muttered to himself and knocked on the door muttering 'useless fuckin' stoner'

The door opened and she came out, small and dainty as ever. 

"Hey ba-, ah er" Jack sputtered out, uncharacteristically and pathetically. He could almost here Hearts yelling in his stupidly thick accent "Kiss the girl", mentally he cursed his colleague for being annoying even when not physically being there. He's another one that'd probably get killed at Jack's hand if not for special circumstances, this time was his humongous size as opposed to not being worth it with Deuce.

/end prologue three/ 

 

 


End file.
